“I once asked myself how to stop wanting something.
The only thing I heard back was that I had to start wanting something else more.
So began the transition into the new season of what I pray actually gets me to that point. And here now is where you find me; three months later on a midnight Friday eve, lying restless in my bed staring at the ceiling and talking to myself. I’d tell you that at least I haven’t started talking back, but I’m not sure that would be entirely true.
You see, it’s been one hell of a year. One that I still can’t quite believe will be over in a matter of days. It was a year of a new job located three states east of the home I thought I’d never leave. It was months of border-line depression and a brokenness I’d never known. It was living in one place for longer than six months for the first time in three years. It was three new countries and the earnest desire to never be dropped off at the international airport again. It was owning a peach pass I never used and scheduling life around traffic. It was dancing in the kitchen, front porch prayers, and late night tears. It was engagements, weddings, baby showers, weddings, engagements, baby showers, and weddings. It was fighting and failing and getting back up. It was new friendships and saying good-bye more times than I thought I could handle. It was open doors when I thought they were locked and it was finding hope when I thought it was lost. It was becoming an aunt and wishing I still lived in the land of pine trees. It was accepting another job almost exactly a year after accepting the one I still have and saying goodbye to the best boss and leader I’ve ever worked for.
It’s been finding beauty out of heart break…”
And here I sit, 31 days since I last typed all that out; another Friday night sitting in sweats, candle lit, twinkle lights plugged in – trying to inspire some sparkle back into my spirit.
Because you see, on top of ending one heck of a year, I’ve also just finished up quite the week. It’s been a hard one (or two); one full of newness and excitement and the thrill and rush of a raised hand on the downward fall of the roller-coaster you didn’t agree too. And it’s been the other hand too; the one that is white-knuckling the piece of metal in front of you – clinging onto any resemblance of life and solidity when all else around you is mad chaos and high-pitched screams. It’s been the highs and lows and one step at a time lines that leave you wondering if you’ll ever move forward.
But the hope of forward movement?
Oh that has brought me joy. Indescribable and unexplainable joy.
Not the happy, over-estactic, freak out your friends kind of joy – for I have cried the tears, wiped away the snot, and sat vulnerable and exposed as friends prayed for me more often than I would want to admit since the ball dropped and the new year started.
No. The joy I’ve experienced comes from deep within me, deep within my Spirit. It comes from a hope and a matter-of-fact attitude that says it will all be worth it.
That says the past year has been absolutely beautiful and downright perfect.
That He is absolutely beautiful and downright perfect.
So yes. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted a blog, a long time since I’ve allowed any words to escape my brain and find a space to land on. Be it fear or unknown, be it a lack or words or perhaps too many – the reasons and the excuses are endless.
But today is a new day; for you and for me. And today I say let it be and bring it on.