the war within

It hadn’t been a bad day. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened, no dramatic entrance or exit and no crazy story to recap at night’s fall.

Yet I sat here, curled up in my bed, listening to others sing out the words of my heart as the open window let the smell and sound of rain entangle the silence of an empty house.

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And I breathed deep.

My thoughts were quieted and my heart and spirit stopped fighting the war within me and I simply rested. I let my weary body lay on the bed so generously provided for me and allowed everything else to fade away.

It’s a strange feeling.

Similar to the pirate ship at your favorite theme park; the  type of to-and-fro rocking that leaves your stomach in your throat and the consistent familiarity of repeated motions feeling all too unfamiliar.

One side was my spirit.
The other my flesh.

All day I had felt like the woman carved onto the front of those majestic wooden ships, holding on for dear life as the ride kept going; one side vying for my attention while the other pulled me right back to where I was; Two completely different sides, two ridiculously contrasting set of emotions.

Back and forth.
Here and there.
Up and down.
Life and death.

It was startling to walk in so much peace only to turn around and be bombarded with every lie I thought I had cast out. Control, doubt, insecurity and lack of trust warred against the content at rest spirit gasping for breath underneath it all.

And I was tired.

I was tired of the emotional roller coaster, and the confusion of not knowing the role I now played. I was tired of having outdated habits sneak into my thought process by the open door of comfort only to dispute the freshness of relinquished control and a trusting heart.

I was tired of giving my flesh an inch.
A mile.
The slightest toe in the door.

So tonight I just stopped. I interrupted the battle and got off the ride. I took a long shower, put on the comfiest thing I owned and just laid there in my go-to, cuddled up fetal position ball of tranquility.

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I chose to be still.

And in the rain-pattering quiet I found my Center; I found the Hope of a war that has already been won, the Strength to fight another day and the Peace of a steadfast rock that can’t be shaken, regardless of how many oversized, booty-carrying ships I run into it.

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3 thoughts on “the war within

  1. Stephanie says:

    Oh woman… I’m so glad it’s not just me. Thank you for this reminder. The war has already been won, and we’re not alone. I love you lots.

  2. Ryan Otto says:

    Thank you for this! Again, very inspired! I think of the song by Swtichfoot called “Thrive” by Switchfoot, Pilgrims days by Will Reagan…I love your blogs and know that they inspire me and speak to me where i’m at! God Bless you sis!

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