to be or not to be

At the end of July I ended a very life-changing 11 months of my life and I walked into a society that I felt was waiting for me to come back to the real world and do something practical, safe and financially secure. To finally get this romantic and “liberal” idea of traveling and helping people around the world out of my system and buckle down into the real grown-up world of 40 hour workdays and mortgages with the fancy car and nice house to seal the deal. I came back completely unsure of what to “do” with my life and even more confused of where my passions were hiding.

I’d always heard people say that your deepest loves and passions come from your deepest hurts. That you should find your burden for the world and spend your time and energy figuring out how to change it because your most effective ministry came from your deepest hurts.

But I had too many burdens, too many hurts and memories of my heart being broken. I remembered the children playing in the streets, hardly wearing clothes. I remembered the elderly who had no one to take care of them and the homeless wandering the streets. I remember the lepers in India and the lame in Nepal. I saw the broken ones overseas and I saw the same faces repeated when I stepped back onto the golden American soil.

But now it was time to focus and get moving on my life; 23 and jobless doesn’t really cut it.

About a month after I came home Papa began to speak to me about this idea of being. He asked me if it was enough for me to just be His daughter. That if I just so happened to not find a home for every orphan or feed all the hungry or head up an organization that saved the world and brought world peace while curing cancer from the comfort of my white picked fence house that it would be ok because I was His daughter. And if I did happen to do all those things, that He would love me just the same. He wanted to know if I could handle just being his precious and beloved child regardless of what I did or did not do. If this day He had given me could be seen as His kingdom. If I could just be with Him.

And I heard the question, I understood the question and my heart burst with a peace and joy I needed. But my head knew the battle that would come. My eyes would see the looks given as my ears heard the all too common question “so what’s your plan now?”

Great question. A question that made me forget the one He had already asked me.

“Is it enough to be with me? Am I enough?” 

I fully believe that I have lived this life, seen what I’ve seen and had my heart broken for a purpose. I believe in the active body of Christ and being the hands and feet of Jesus. I believe that I’m supposed to do something.

But that something, doesn’t make me who I am.

One recent night I found myself laying in bed and reluctantly letting my thoughts wander as I tried to fall asleep. I’ve been home now for five months and I still have no real plan, no yellow brick road lined with short dancing people and colorful flowers leading me to my dream job. And I felt like a failure.

Then I thought of Adam and Eve. The very first people God made. And I began to think about their “jobs,” their 10 year plan and the reason they were created. They didn’t grow up to become doctors and lawyers (that I know of). They didn’t save the world or probably have a white picked fence in the front yard. They weren’t created for any other reason than to walk with God as He loved them and spoiled them and received their love in return.

That was it. That’s all. 

And it struck me as odd. It struck me as a new revelation. I’d never really thought of it that way. I knew that ultimately my purpose was to love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. Then to love every one else. I knew that I reflected the glory of God and that I am the face of Jesus. I knew all that. But to look at Adam and Eve as they were created gave me a new perspective of why I was created.

To walk with God. To love and be loved by Him. To simply be. First and foremost. 


One response to “to be or not to be”

  1. So encouraging to read, Vanessa!! I call Him Papa too 😛
    I feel like I’m at the same place. This world puts so many unrealistic and jaded expectations on our shoulders…and Papa is just telling us to “be” with Him and abide in Him. Be satisfied in the One who is more than enough. Such a beautiful revelation! I pray for continual peace, hope, and Love, for you as you walk with our King.

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